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The Dude’s Handbook


madmenIf you were to ask me if I understand women, I would easily say no. No man truly understands women,  based on the way men think. Naturally, women are a diverse group of individuals, each with her own habits, traits, preferences, and aversions. Nevertheless, there are guidelines, Laws in fact, that could be applied to any and all women (and men). Some are absolutes that should be avoided while others should be encouraged. Some Laws can speak for themselves, while others require some explanation.

I must make this clear; THIS HANDBOOK IS BY NO MEANS MEANT TO EXPLAIN HOW WOMEN THINK OR SHED LIGHT ON THEIR PERSPECTIVE. That sort of thing is best left to a female writer, since it’s rather presumptuous for a man to try to put himself in  women’s shoes (not literally of course) and definitively say “this is what they want”. That would be like a privileged white person saying they could perfectly relate to and understand the struggles of visible minorities.  Instead, I give you simple do’s and don’ts. As men, we can’t and don’t understand how they work, only that they work.  These were compiled over years of both first-hand and second-hand experience and peer reviewed by both males and females. Learn these Laws well, for they will help you navigate through the often cold, turbulent waters of a relationship.

Admittedly, some of the ladies who peer reviewed this Handbook were understandably displeased with some of the rhetoric. What can I say, reality could be very discomforting when presented back to you from an outside source, similar to how people don’t like the sound of their own voice when played back for them.


The Handbook

1. Keep your pride in check.

Something many a dude fail to do. Many conflicts could easily be avoided simply by thinking it through with the head on your shoulders instead of the one in your pants. The latter often escalates the situation.  Basically, emotions are your enemy, pride in particular.


2. Take her off the pedestal.

From the time we start breast feeding, we begin to hold women to a much higher standard, imbuing the fairer sex with an almost divine quality. This makes approaching a woman one of the most terrifying things a man can do. This is especially true when it’s concerning a woman we have genuine interest in. We tell ourselves we’re not worth her time and don’t deserve even the faintest of her attention, which is often correct. In order to progress into a real relationship, men must break free of this mindset and cease elevating a woman as some perfect creature that’s beyond our reach. Women could be just as flawed, shallow, ruthless, and heartless as men. Some can even fart. Only when you see her as an equal can you truly begin to understand and interact with her and move forward beyond the point of just being friends. However, once you’ve solidified her as your one and only, and vice versa, go ahead and place her back on that pedestal.


3. Be on time.

This goes without saying. Punctuality shows you’re responsible and you can be relied upon. It also goes a long way in making a great first impression.


4. She will presume what’s good for another relationship is good for your relationship.

“What’s good for the goose is also good for the gander,” as the old saying goes. Some females like to apply this principle to their relations. Your special lady will observe how her girl friend (let’s call her Liz) gets treated by her man (let’s call him Shemar) and expect the same from you, not taking into account Shemar’s background, financial/employment standing, assets, or even Liz’s preferences or situation. Going further, if Shemar cheats on Liz yet somehow they get back together, even getting married sometime down the road, your lady might be more forgiving of your shenanigans, if you’re the type of asshole to do such.


 5. She is insecure and jealous.

To be fair, I don’t think that women are intrinsically insecure. It’s more likely that society and culture makes them insecure by inundating them with unrealistic standards of beauty and expectations (you have to look like this; you must be like that to make your man happy, etc). Unfortunately, these bad influences have taken their toll, causing many a female to take them to heart.

Insecurity also breeds jealousy. Women can be fiercely protective, possessive and competitive, especially when it comes to their men. Take care of your behavior/attitude towards  other females as she may very well perceive them as a rival or even a threat.


6. She will remember minor slights and hold on to them.

You’ve probably heard the expression, I should get you a plunger, because you’re always bringing up old shit. Women are like an Excel spreadsheet when it comes to recalling information. Dates, times, events, conversations, what you wore that day, and the names of other women she sees you talking to are all stored and cataloged in the mysterious, labyrinthine library called the female brain. This also means that frivolous oversights or missteps that you would never give a second thought are well-documented in her memory, ready to be called upon at a moment’s notice during that routine argument, whether it be two, five, or twenty years after the fact. You can also think of a woman’s mind like a sandy beach. Any incident that treads across will leave a footprint, good or bad. So to stay on her good side, leave more footprints that leaves a positive impression; random date with dinner reservations, great sex, her favorite flowers, etc.


 7. She will infer insult where none was intended.

One time  I was on a date and I asked this girl if she wanted gum, figuring it would be rude if I took one out for myself without offering. She immediately accused me of implying she had bad breath. On a completely separate occasion, a buddy of mine had advised his girlfriend that it appeared she needed rest, given the dark patches around her eyes. She promptly castigated him for making the observation and subsequent suggestion. Their argument spilled out onto Facebook, and many of his friends witnessed the whole situation unfold on the social network.  Sometimes I think women purposely act that way just to mess with our heads.

Who would have thought that such a simple thing could be the source of such contention?

Who would have thought that such a simple thing could be the source of such contention?


8. Perfect your shoe game.

Growing up I never really cared much for shoes. I mean, they go on your feet and will get dirty and worn down regardless, so it never made sense to me what all the obsession was about. Then I was schooled on how my shoes are a deciding factor that women often take into consideration. I didn’t believe this until a young lady practically confirmed it when I asked her straight up, and this has been verified by subsequent females. Women pay close attention to many things on your person (even your posture), and significant among these is the gear you’re rocking on your feet. Supposedly, your shoes say a lot about you, however some ladies believe it mostly depends on a female’s level of maturity, saying that only girls care about shoes, while women have bigger fish to fry. In any case, make sure you have on a fresh or at least a decent pair of kicks.


9. Be open about your feelings.

Communication is everything and it’s important to make your intentions clear from the get go. Do you like her? If so in what sort of way? Let her know. Waiting too long to express yourself could have two major consequences. Firstly, she’ll create an expectation for you that could make things awkward when you do muster the courage to tell her how you feel. Secondly, if you spend too much time dilly-dallying,  some next dude would simply swoop in and scoop her up.  Once that business is out of the way and you established the desired connection with her, maintain a healthy dialogue, as a relationship is a dynamic, ever changing organism that requires constant maintenance.


10. Honesty should be used wisely.

When she asks you how she looks and it ain’t pretty, some might say there are two answers. One is the honest answer, the other is the right answer. What this means is that sometimes it’s smart to tell a lil’ white lie in order to avoid sticky situations or unnecessary conflict.

This is especially true when dealing with women who will use your honesty against you. A brief example, she asks you if there’s any other women at your work who you find attractive.  Never mind Natasha from two rows down and that walk of hers you always steal a look at each time she passes by – of course you’ll tell your partner there’s no decent eye candy at the office. On the other hand, you can just tell her the simple truth. Sure, she’ll position the question all nonchalantly, giving you the false impression that the coast is clear for your casually honest reply. However, if she’s insecure (remember Law #5), she’ll act like everything’s all good, but on the inside she’ll be feeling a ways about it. You’ve just given her more ammunition to add to her future-argument arsenal,  and this will come back to haunt you.

Although in some cases an embellishment here and an omission there could be all well and good (Homer Simpson once found comfort in the reprieve between a lie and when it’s found out), it takes a level of maturity to tell the truth and face the consequence, as the truth often has consequences. Don’t avoid a conflict if its resolution could lead to improvements in your relationship. If there’s junk, it needs to be cleared out, not swept under the rugs.


11. Already being in a relationship makes you 9x more attractive.

You ever notice how much effort you have to put in simply to get a nice girl to give you the time of day when you’re single? Ever notice how as soon as you have a lady in your arms it’s as if the pussy floodgates finally open? I know a guy who’s been propositioned by ladies once it was known he got his  girlfriend pregnant; and some of these ladies were actually friends with the girlfriend.  So as you’ve probably observed from your daily interactions with the opposite sex, females tend to show more interest towards dudes whom other females are interested in.


 12. She will call herself independent and yet expect you to take charge.

Women like guys who demonstrate leadership. Sure, this Beyonce generation has females saying they’re strong and independent. Although I’m not saying I disagree, letting her make decisions will sometimes get on her nerves. Always have a plan, no matter the occasion. Unless she’s the type to wear the pants in a relationship, which could actually be a good thing, you must step up and take the helm the majority of the time.


13. If your efforts are fruitless, she doesn’t like you. If she’s tolerating your bullshit, she does.

Many of us are naive enough to cater to a woman who has no real interest in us. Sure, you could be treating her kindly and buy her the nicest gifts, but if the feeling aint mutual she’ll simply accept the gift and give you the old “Oh, you’re so sweet” line before promptly relegating you to the friendzone.  On the flip side, if she truly is interested in you, you could practically treat her like last weeks leftovers, yet she’ll persist in going out of her way to accommodate you and make you happy. Sad but true, and believe me when I say I’m well-acquainted with both these scenarios.  There isn’t really much we could do to change these predicaments; a woman either likes you or she doesn’t, and a lady friend of mine once told me that a girl typically knows off the bat if she’s really into you or not. The trick is knowing when to withdraw and quit wasting your time and resources when she’s stringing you along, or how to appreciate her if she actually has feelings for you.


14. Women demand respect; girls allow themselves to be disrespected.

Chivalry is dead. It was ironically killed by gender equality. Nowadays being a gentleman could only get you so far. Of course, self-respecting women still have real standards, can avoid being ensnared by predatory  scumbags, and at the same time can appreciate the efforts and feelings of real men. The problem is not all females are self-respecting women. Like men, many of them have a lot of maturing to do, only acquiescing your approach when a particular amount of arrogance, disinterest, or flat out disrespect is applied to them. Of course if you confront a woman about this tendency, she’ll openly deny it. However, in my experience I’ve observed that women would often tell you one thing despite their behavior strongly implying the contrary.


15. The quality of men has been decreasing, and it’s women’s fault.

I’m sure many a female will attest to the lack of quality men. Why do I place the blame on women though? Well, consider the last two Laws, #13 and #14. What they have in common is the way we go about treating women. Men are pragmatists, so when we see our continued attempts to please a woman all end up being in vain, only to see some next dude treat her like shit and yield positive results, we learn that there simply isn’t much of a point in trying anymore and thus we modify our dealings with women accordingly. Compared to when my mom was a teenager, today’s generation of women have considerably lower expectations for men. It’s these lower standards that convince men that not only is disrespecting, mistreating and/or neglecting a woman permitted, it’s also necessary. Men are a product of women, literally and metaphorically, so now that means the responsibility falls to women to raise the bar, restoring these standards to their proper place, and force dudes to step up and become actual men once more.


16. When you’re walking down the street with your girl and she sees a “friend” and greets him with a hug, make peace with the probability that he fucked her too.

Your woman had a life before you, and she may very well have a life after you. No point in dwelling on what was. Focus on the now.


17. When talking to a girl for the first time, do not ask intelligent or thought provoking questions.

In my experience I’ve found this has a tendency to bore them or turn them off. However, it depends on the situation. If you’re at a party, she’s there to have fun, get inebriated, and NOT think, so don’t challenge her intellectually. However, if it’s just the two of you, sitting down somewhere for coffee, go ahead and break out the Neil deGrasse Tyson in you that’s dying to get out. Well, better make it the Bill Maher because that’ll make her laugh.

What better way to break the ice than saying that ladies like her are harder to find than the Higgs boson?

What better way to break the ice than saying that ladies like her are harder to find than the Higgs boson?


18. There are 2 types of women: warriors and mercenaries.

Allow me to illustrate. A warrior fights for what they believe in to the bitter end. They cannot be swayed, and would fight hardest when they’re loosing.  A mercenary on the other hand has a price. They chase the dollar, hold no real loyalty except to the highest bidder, and could sell you out for what they see as a better deal.  See the connection?

If not, here’s an explanation.  Basically, a warrior is the kind of woman you want in your corner. They support you when you feel like shit and stick around when times get hard. Simply put, she’s “wifey material”.  A woman who’s otherwise exploiting your good nature or resources, or using you as a tool to advance herself would be a mercenary. Sometimes this could be a mutual arrangement in which case she’s essentially a hired sword.

In addition, warriors typically have a code of honour, only fighting for who they deem worthy, someone who exemplifies good qualities. Mercs, however, may have high standards of their own, which are typically materialistic in nature,  but may hold no qualms in serving the most unscrupulous of clientele or someone they could just milk. That being said, having either a warrior or mercenary by your side will also say much about the type of man you are in the end.


19. A first date is a job interview.

This one is pretty self-explanatory. Remember Law #3 about being on time? Well, the same thing applies here. You wouldn’t be late for work, let alone the interview, and you wouldn’t want to be caught slacking or screwing around during your shift. Treat your relationship with the same amount of responsibility, leadership, and initiative as you would your job, as that’s pretty much what a relationship is, except it doesn’t make you money; it’s quite the opposite.

So I assume you're familiar with what this position entails? Long hours, you'll always be on call, but we do pay in sex.

So I assume you’re familiar with what this position entails? Long hours, you’ll always be on call, but we do pay in sex.


20. Don’t believe everything she tells you.

Sometimes the less you know the better. However, as Chris Rock once said, “Men lie the most, women lie the biggest.” That means if there’s some truth she’s keeping from you, it’s probably going to hurt or she’s just plain taking advantage of you. In either case, if you decide to confront her about her secrets, make sure you have enough evidence at your disposal, otherwise you’ll just end up making a fool of yourself, whether your suspicions are correct or not.


21. Recognize that her problems become your problems.

This essentially means commitment. Anyone can ease some of her burdens but taking that extra step to relieve her of them is a whole other thing.


22. Never feel sorry for yourself. That’s unattractive.

Confidence. Confidence. Confidence. That is all.


23. Make fun of her in a playful manner to take her down a few notches. See Law #2

This goes for yourself as well. Humour is your greatest ally, especially when it’s self-deprecating. The idea is to show her that you’re human,  and most importantly, to remind her that she’s one as well if she’s the type that needs to come back down to Earth. However, refrain from this if her self-esteem is low, as she will only take it the wrong way (see Laws 5 and 7). You should essentially be comfortable around her enough to be yourself without feeling like you’re walking on eggshells. Many people try to avoid this by putting on some type of facade, which is actually a mistake since that mask will eventually need to come off.


24. Do not actively pursue her. See Law #13

I know this one is temping, and who could blame you? You really like her, and you’re eager to prove how special she is to you by dedicating your time and energy through courtship. Plus, you certainly don’t want anyone else snatching her away in a heartbeat (which can and does happen). However, you’re failing to realize one important thing; women aren’t rabbits to be chased down or lured in with bait. Like you, they know exactly what they want (although many of the things they want intrinsically conflict with each other), have their own motives and agendas, and are likely wisened to whatever game you’re trying to play.

If a woman is genuinely interested in you, she’ll know it, and would let you know. Your competition she’ll deflect, string along, or keep at a friend’s distance, leaving a clear path just for you. If she’s giving you the run around, not replying to your texts or calls, or not proactively calling/texting you every now and then, then she’s not into you, and you’re probably the competition she’s deflecting. This is why taking your time and seeming disinterested may even work in your favour, because if she wants you, she’ll get you. Not to say you should be completely aloof and neglectful of her, you still need to demonstrate that you like her, albeit in a non-desperate, non-stalker sort of way (since that’s borderline harassment).


25. Don’t expect to win an argument with her, no matter how much of pragmatist you believe yourself to be.

You could be coming with a meticulously put together argument, a whole dissertation, complete with pie charts and scientific data, citations from credible sources and academic scholars, spread sheets, a Power Point presentation, forensic evidence that would make CSI and Law & Order SVU jealous, and yet you still won’t win because none of that matters to her. All that matters is her point.



26. Account for Murphy’s Law when making crucial decisions.

Shit can and will happen, especially during an important occasion. Always have a contingency for a worst case scenario. Be prepared with a plan B when something goes wrong, and if that fails, be ready with a plan C.


27. Single ladies are akin to subatomic quantum particles: they instantly pop into existence and just as quickly pop out.

Yes, it’s a nerdy reference but it perfectly illustrates the point. What I mean by this is that, generally speaking,  being single for her is different than it is for him.  You see, typically when a girl walks into a room, she doesn’t really have to do much for men to start offering her dick, whether it be overt or subtle.  All she needs to do then is narrow her selection based on her personal set of preferences. Apart from that, she may often have a roster of friend zoned dudes, each one eager to be called off the bench. Many single women remain single because there are interested men whom they are wilfully ignoring for one reason or another; most single guys do not have this convenient option. So essentially, one day she’s single, next day she’s “talking” to someone.  Refer to Laws 13, and 24 to see how the situation is way different for the single gentleman.

These fine ladies are single and ready to mingle, at least for 0.0000000036 seconds.

These fine ladies are single and ready to mingle, at least for 0.0000000036 seconds.


28. She will try to change you.

This isn’t too big of a concern. Admittedly, most of the modifications she request would indeed improve you overall. We all have our bad habits. What you need to be cautious of is if she starts “house training” you. You see, most women have a set of expectations they look for in their potential men. However, as I touched upon earlier, women typically have a particular type of dude they’re interested in and generally go for, whether these expectations are found in him or not.  If they are not found, rather than move on to a dude who readily demonstrates these qualities, she will instead try to impose these expectations on the one she’s chosen rather than accept him for who he is.   As I also mentioned earlier, many of these expectations stem from wants that conflict with each other. For example,  she may say she wants a kindhearted gentleman but she’s drawn to the thuggish type, and thus she tries to mold the latter into her ideal man, albeit with a few rough edges.  Of course she could save herself the trouble and easily go for  the guy who naturally possesses said qualities (contrary to popular belief there’s actually plenty of them, mature women are aware if this) but I guess she just digs the challenge.


29. When she’s being emotional, DON’T tell her she’s being emotional!

Big no no. Women particularly find this annoying as you’re practically reiterating something that they’re well aware of, fueling their diesel-powered rage even further.


30. Stay faithful.

Pretty strait forward, right? Nope. A lot of guys struggle with this, and it relates back to Law #1. Men have two heads, but only one of them has a brain. Too often do we ignore the one that has it in favour of the one that doesn’t. Now I’m well aware that a few women would have stumbled upon this Handbook and perhaps even took the time to glean through it.  If you’re one of those ladies reading this and you’ve made it this far, thank you, and I’ve added a little something just for you. Ask yourself these five questions to help determine if your man will be faithful or not:

1. Is he attracted to you?

2. Are you a freak in the bedroom?

3. Do you encourage and support him emotionally?

4. Is he ready to settle down?

5. With you?

If you can honestly answer YES to ALL FIVE of the above questions, he will not cheat on you, plain and simple.  Bare in mind only points 2 and 3 suggest that you should actively be doing  something, the other three only require your attention. Know your man inside and out.  

Fellas, take note of the above five points as well, as you’re responsible for points 1, 4, and 5. Again, if you (men) can’t answer YES to all FIVE of them, but you sincerely value her feelings or friendship, don’t trust yourself. Break it off before she gets too invested so you avoid unnecessary pain and heartache in the future. Now this isn’t to say it’s guaranteed you will cheat if the answer is no to one or more of those questions, it just means you’re at risk.


Categories: Satire, Sex
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